I admit for the past two days I’ve been wallowing in self-pity. I’ve been raging against the world screaming about what I deserve and who I should be or what I should be doing and having. I’ve sobbed a few precious tears in the silence when no one was looking (yes I’m man enough to admit I do cry) I’ve given myself the liberty to allow everything around me to fall to the way side just because I needed to feel sorry for myself.
Call it a mid-life crisis but given that I’m only 32 years old, it’s come a little early. Hang on though, the life expectancy of an average black male is about 50 or something so I guess I’m right on cue. I have a confluence of anger, disappointment, frustration, weariness, dashed hopes, failures and shame swirling around on the inside.
My life looks nothing like what I’ve dreamed or hoped or planned. I’m nowhere near the caliber of man my wife deserves or father my daughter needs. I’m no successful writer or entrepreneur and I don’t have the impact in positively changing people’s lives like I want to. I feel horrible. My heart aches. It sucks.
Yes, I feel sorry for myself. It feels good. Great even. I’ve been brooding and not spoken much to anyone. I’ve enjoyed the concerned questions of my wellbeing and the prayers. Narcissm I think is the right word.
Yes. It’s been great. But enough!
Why would I give up something that clearly I seem to be enjoying? Well because it’s been a terrible time too. It’s made me feel worse about myself, knowing I know better. Feeling sorry for yourself is ok for a little while, emphasis on little; but after that it really becomes self-destructive. Ask any pig farmer and he’ll tell you, the longer you wallow in the mud the harder it gets to clean off – not to mention no one wants to touch you to help!
So I’m writing this as a declaration for myself and all those currently feeling like sickly swine in the mud.
*Bitch Slap* “Stop it right now!”
There, that should get your attention.
Feeling sorry for myself hasn’t given me any new bright ideas or inspiration on how to change anything at all. It certainly has propelled me forward. On the contrary, I feel I’ve thrown myself several steps back. I feel blocked off from faith, joy and love — the very things that inspire creativity. So I’m stopping it right now.
Funny thing though, is it’s a lot easier to wallow than just look yourself in the mirror and forgive yourself and move on. Believe me, I’ve been trying. It’s hard but I’m getting there. Why don’t you encourage me too, huh? I could use it (clearly I’m still enjoying the aforementioned attention). Either way, I’m on my way out of the doldrums. I just want to encourage all of you out there feeling like I have been that it’s ok to feel that way for a little bit but now is the time to get your butt in gear. Now is the time to forgive yourself, forget the things that lie behind you and press forward to your greatness. Yes, it will be hard and you’ll probably go through many more times like this. Just don’t stay there. When you’re going through the mud, don’t stop moving. The best thing you can do is slow down and keep your movement steady and even. I know this from driving off-road. It takes longer, is a lot scarier but you will get through it soon.
So here’s to you. I forgive you. I believe in you. Your dreams are reachable. You can do it. You must. It’s what God created you for in the first place.